Sacred Journey Into My Heart

Sacred Journey Into My Heart

On January 13, 2024 I embarked on a Sacred Journey to heal myself.  You might be asking yourself “What is that she needs to heal?  She looks completely put together from what I can see”?  The hard reality is that I’m not.  I’m completely broken inside and have been since I was a little child.  It started when my parents divorced at the age of three.  The real pain came when my mother married her second husband, who destroyed my childhood.  Without going into too much detail now, I’ll just say that I’ve been completely unaware that I’ve been living with and in high active states of PTSD daily for decades until now.  It’s crazy how I’m able to identify other people living in active states of PTSD, but totally blinded by my own state of living.

This isn’t healthy.  It’s wearing on my soul.  It’s affecting every area of my life from how I want to parent, my relationship with my partner, work flow, and mostly self-love.  My mind is stuck in fear daily that something will happen to my daughter.  I can’t hear my partner because I’m so angry with myself.  All the lashing out and blaming that I’m doing really comes down to a frustrated, scared, broken little girl inside who wants to be free.  Who wants to be loved, and cared for like my adult-self loves and cares for others.  But I can’t seem to access that part of me.  Why?  It sounds like it should be so easy, right?  Well dear reader, it’s not!

For 4 decades I’ve been seeking for the answer!  On my search I have encountered many different journeys, however, none of them except one, have been healthy.  Most of them numbing, so I wouldn’t have to face the darkness inside.  Instead I fell into the darkness of my thoughts.  Then one day in 2000 I met Yoga.  That was the day the clouds started to clear from my mind.  If you pay attention to the sky you know that the clouds change daily.  Sometimes there isn’t a single cloud in the sky and I can see clear as day.  Other times, it’s scattered or completely covered with thickness.  I get glimpses of what’s up there or nothing at all.  This is very much like our mind and hearts.  During the last 24 years of practicing and teaching, there have been many moments where I’ve been clear.  I’m connected to my higher ‘Self’, to spirit, and then it changes.  Lower ‘Self’ steps back in and takes me down the rabbit hole again.  It’s been an internal battle for sure.  This is life.  I know that I’m on the right path though.

After racing outrigger canoes one summer weekend in June 2021 I found out I was pregnant.  My whole life flashed before my eyes.  Every future event/plan I had in the works stopped.  It was like watching a movie and then hitting rewind on high speed in my mind.  Nothing like being in the present, right!  That was just the beginning.  After giving birth, every fear I had buried inside me bloomed.  All the traumas of childhood started to rear their ugly heads in my mind, and in my body.  I thought I had a handle on this with all the work I’ve been doing on myself, but it wasn’t enough.  The PTSD was only getting worse.  I noticed that I was creating stories in my mind with the people I love the most.  This was causing so much internal frustration and fear, which comes out in anger.  I was creating a divide in my house thinking that this was a way to protect.  Who was I trying to protect is the question?  My child or myself?  What I was doing was repeating my past.  I was repeating what my mother did when she thought she was protecting me.  My inner child, Little JJ, was screaming for help and no one could hear me because I couldn’t hear myself until now.

The awareness that came over me that weekend was the awakening into my heart.  It was one of the most profound, radical interventions I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.  Before I begin to share this Sacred Journey, I want to take a moment to thank all of the beautiful souls who were so present and supportive through it all ❤️.  Thank you for allowing me to be emotionally vulnerable and to come completely undone.  I see you and I love you!  Thank you to my partner, Michael, for taking care of our baby.  Thank you for letting me go find myself without confrontation, judgement, or jealousy.  I see you now and I love you so much!

Om śanti, śanti, śantī,


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